you can tell a movie is going to be a shitty, forgettable comedy when the font they use for the movie’s title in advertisements looks
guy: psstt! look at me while you suck. i wanna see those eyes
girl: *looks up*
don’t underestimate me. i’ll wear sweaters in the summer. i’ll eat like eighteen gallons of ice cream in the winter. fuck the temperature. i don’t give a fuck
- Nurse: "Sorry your boyfriend couldn't wait for you in the waiting room, it makes women feel uncomfortable."
- Me: "He wasn't my boyfriend and I don't see how it would make them uncomfortable, but that's my opinion. He was here for moral support. I understood, and so does he."
- Nurse: "So he's your...."
- Me: "Friend."
- Nurse: (During the question asking) "How many sexual partners have you had?"
- Me: "11."
- Nurse: "How old were you when you first became sexually active?"
- Me: "....Loaded question but....14, I guess."
- Nurse: "You're sexually active, then."
- Me: "Well....I guess...but..."
- Nurse: "How many times have you been pregnant?"
- Me: "Uh. 0."
- Nurse: "O...kayy...-Checks 'condoms' as my preferred use of birth control-"
- Me: "I don't use condoms. Or take birth control."
- Nurse: "Then how do you avoid getting pregnant?"
- Me: "With homosexuality."
- Me: "I fuck girls."
when i was in year 5, i did a speech on clumsiness for my school’s public speaking contest and to be clever, i tripped on my way to the stage dropping my note cards all over the place, but then i pulled the real ones out of my pocket saying ‘if you’re going to be clumsy, it pays to be prepared!’
everyone lost their shit and i got second place
If you got second place who got first… Did they talk about fire safety and burn the stage down or something